Why i could not heal during a Narcissist in my life
When I watched this video, it struck a chord with me. I remembered my own battle with cancer during a stressful divorce, an ordeal that lasted almost eight years. Despite my efforts to find peace and heal, it seemed elusive. The speaker in the video articulates this struggle so well that I felt compelled to share it.
Breaking Free: Escaping the Grip of Abuse
For many years, I was sick as a child. According to my mom, I was always sick. Whether it was a headache, a stomach ache, or just feeling really tired, I seemed to constantly battle some ailment. Additionally, I had a very poor relationship with food. Not that my mom was a great cook; her food was terrible. I wasn't overweight, but rather fragile. It was surprising that when I moved out of my mom's house and away from her, I started doing better. In fact, I wasn't sick for a single day. I could attend school regularly, finished high school, and it was only when she slowly came back into my life that I began feeling unwell again. For many years, I experienced this pattern in my relationships. I couldn't leave a toxic relationship until my body said no.
A Journey of Healing: From Toxicity to Self-Love
When I was 19, married, and pregnant, I found myself in a very abusive relationship with a man addicted to cocaine. He exhibited the same narcissistic behavior as my mother, but he stood up for me against her, which felt safe. My mother is very dominant and forced herself into my life in an unhealthy way. It was verbally abusive; she made me feel like I was never good enough, and she gaslighted me so much that I began to doubt my own sanity. I could share more about who she was, what she did, her substance abuse, her work, and how it all affected me. However, I refuse to give these individuals a platform since they already believe they are so important.
Navigating Turbulent Waters: Surviving the Worst Divorce
During my pregnancy, I had to stay strong, although I developed kidney stones in the last trimester. I didn't see a midwife for the first five months, but initially, I felt good. However, I gained a lot of weight, and my hormones were all over the place. Despite these challenges, I made the difficult decision to leave my marriage. I sought help from a lawyer and filed for divorce because I knew that both my child and I wouldn't survive staying with that man.
Awakening: Finding Clarity and Empowerment at 45
After the divorce, my mother re-entered my life, treating me like a disobedient child. I began to feel sick again, unfit. I tried to connect with people, but my mother always made me feel like they weren't good enough. It was either you were with her against me, or she would eliminate you from my life by threatening or speaking poorly about you until she completely brainwashed me.
I eventually found a man who fell in love with me. Although he wasn't my usual type, he lived in another country, and after seven months of dating, I moved in with him. Initially, I felt liberated, but as my mother started visiting more often, I began to feel trapped again. Despite the beautiful surroundings—the mountains, the nature, the spacious house—I still didn't feel free.
As time passed, cracks started to appear in the relationship, and I became increasingly nervous every time I heard his voice, often resulting in vomiting due to stress. My heart raced, and after being hospitalized for stress-related issues, I knew I had to leave. We moved back to our previous location.
Choosing Health: A Brave Decision for Self-Preservation
Many years later, I found another man and married him. A lot happened, but eventually, I had to make a choice. We were on a financially sinking ship, and I didn't feel the support from my husband that I needed, especially with a large family and being pregnant. I never anticipated it, but I ended up in the worst divorce imaginable. The stress was overwhelming, and despite my repeated attempts to salvage the situation, I was unaware that I was dealing with a narcissist. It wasn't until I turned 45 that my eyes were opened, and I discovered what narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) was. Suddenly, everything became clear, and I felt empowered, but most importantly, I felt happy.
I finally learned about self-love, but it came with a tough decision. I had to choose between risking my health and well-being, potentially facing cancer again, or letting go of the people and things I loved most in order to heal. Ultimately, I chose my own health and embarked on a journey of self-care and healing.